L-Autism

Being diagnosed autistic comes with its benefits; I will always be different and that is good; But it is not easy.

I was diagnosed with Autism in October 2023 at the age of 37. I have always known I was different. I found social situations difficult, was naturally introverted and was bright, even at a young age.

At the age of 25 I began to research university degrees to improve my job prospects. I settled on doing a Criminology and Psychology undergraduate degree at University of Suffolk, because I am epileptic and it was close to family and friends. I was born in Ipswich, had never left the town and was reluctant to leave. We were required to study criminal law as part of the Criminology part of the degree. I realised quickly I had a natural aptitude for the law; I could remember the case names and principles easily and solving questions required a consistent and systematic approach to problem solving, which came naturally to me.

After doing a year of the course I realised the only part of it I enjoyed and was good at was the Criminal Law module and so I decided to undertake a Law degree instead, with my preferred choice being Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge as it was an hour away from home and it was close to family and friends. I also really liked the city and felt that it suited me.

This was a big decision for me. My family had not moved around save for my mother who had relocated to Suffolk from Essex so I spoke to her about it, as well as my Scottish friends who I had known since childhood who had moved to Suffolk from Scotland. I was extremely daunted by this. I was accepted to study Law at Anglia Ruskin University. I was delighted but also extremely daunted by the prospect of moving away. I believed this was due to never moving away from Ipswich; I now realise that it would be even more daunting for an autistic person to move away from what they know.

I began my degree in September 2014. I excelled at University; I applied myself fully to my studies in a way that I had never done before. I did 10 hour study days five days a week, and learned a range of skills, from problem solving, to advocacy and I did well at everything I applied myself to. I eventually obtained a First Class Honours degree. I believed this was discipline on my part, and perhaps it was but it could be my ability to fixate on something which contributed to having disciplined study patterns.

Within two months of moving to Cambridge I met my future wife, who had moved from Herefordshire. It was good to meet someone who truly understood me in a new city. It felt like my life had started again. As I did not have many friends I did not have to worry about socialising much beyond myself and my partner. After I completed my degree I relocated back to Ipswich.

In September 2020, during the height of Covid, I began a combined Masters Degree and Legal Practice Certificate in Law with the University of Wolverhampton while living in Telford. This was for the most part online. I completed this in September 2021 in Cardiff. I gained a distinction and won an award for my dissertation. I was also expecting my daughter, and this time was extremely stressful for me. In 2022 whilst I lived in Cardiff, I decided to obtain some counselling as I began experiencing a number of mental health issues, and in this I addressed the trauma from the suicide as well as negative childhood experiences. My counsellor at the time suggested that I might be autistic. I was not shocked; I felt this would explain a lot about myself perception, and the qualities that I have. I was placed on a waiting list and was diagnosed as autistic last year. The diagnosis helps me understand why I feel that struggle to connect with people, explains why my self-esteem is low and why I think like I do, and how to best put that use. It also helped me understand why I did well in my law degrees.

In the time since the diagnosis I am still coming to terms with what my autism means; I feel things more than others and I can get emotional for no reason at all. All the things I loved as a child I love as an adult; I love watching Batman, I enjoy reading and watching science-fiction, and professional wrestling. My love of pro wrestling inspired me to take up Olympic Wrestling which I have a talent for, as well as helping me with my low self esteem and confidence. I am also an Level 1 Coach in Olympic Wrestling. I am not ashamed anymore of my creative and academic abilities – I  am published poet, I am an amateur composer and have had my songs played on domestic and international rock radio. I enjoy British pre-history, philosophy and I learned to speak Cymraeg while I lived in Wales. I now get to fixate on things that make me happy and what I am good at.

Being diagnosed autistic comes with its benefits; I will always be different and that is good; but it is not easy.

I experience and feel the world more intensely than neurotypical people do, and social situations have become more difficult for me to be in as I get older. To me there is an existential element of being autistic, I must attempt to appreciate my limitations and overcome them. I have to work as hard as I can to keep up which means I get burned out quicker and this results in mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression.  Being autistic, I am used to feeling uncomfortable in the world I live in but I must beat my own path in this world. I am reassessing my identity and learning my place in the world again.